I feel awful as I haven’t updated my blog for a while. Sorry folks. A belated Happy New Year to everyone. I hope this is a good year for us all.  

Well, my biggest news is I’m pregnant! I found out in November but I wanted to wait until I reached 12 weeks and had my scan before I told people. I had the scan last week and there it was, jumping around and waving its arms and legs. I’ve had all the usual tests and everything is ok so I’m just waiting for this damn sickness to pass. Funnily enough, the morning sickness hasn’t happened, I actually feel great in the morning. But when it reaches about 3pm I’m a mess. This lasts until early hours of the morning. I’ve gone off veggies and a few other things but I’ve no real cravings, apart from milky stuff and burgers! 

We’re so over the moon, Jon has pretty much wrapped me in cotton wool and I’m milking it for all I can. As I work from home, I haven’t got the worries of child care costs but I’m really worried about money now. Jon has applied for lots of jobs but most of the closing dates are next week so we haven’t heard anything yet. I’ll leave it as late as possible to buy baby stuff but I will need to be able to afford that and at the moment I don’t see how we ever will. I know I’m just panicking and we’ll manage but I wake up worrying, worry all day and then go to sleep worrying. I’m crying a lot too, I’ve read this is normal but I’m not the crying type so it’s been a bit of a shock. Nia licked a tear away the other day, that was sweet. 

Anyway, I want to enjoy this pregnancy and so I have to remain positive and not so gloomy all the time. I think I need a bit of a kick up the backside. My forum buddies have been great and have even offered to knit some clothes for the baby, how lovely. The question is pink or blue?

It’s happened, Jon has been made redundant. We had thought something was wrong for weeks as they had to stop work on a contract and there hasn’t really been much work to do. All the other employees were told they can have paid time off, but one of the bosses, Jon’s mate, asked Jon to paint his house for him and that’s what Jon has been doing for weeks now. So while everyone else has been sitting at home eating mince pies and getting paid for it, Jon has been the only one working. He went in this morning and then one of the employees turned up at the house and told him that the two bosses has sent him to tell Jon that he was being made redundant.  

What a way to do it! I’m so mad at the moment; I’m shocked that they can treat him like that. The three of them have known each other since early teens and they all lived together for years. Also, one of them was Jon’s best man. Ok, fair enough, if they need to make him redundant then that’s life, he didn’t want any preferential treatment, but for god’s sake, the least they could have done was told him in person, not sent a messenger. He deserves that much doesn’t he? 

Jon’s been quite calm and he’s positive he will get another job. He said he’ll do absolutely anything so fingers crossed he can start earning soon. I worry because we have to earn a certain amount to be able to pay the mortgage, and we were only just about doing that lately. He was on a decent wage; I just hope he can find something with similar money. I realise there are so many people in this exact situation and my heart goes out to all of them. I always felt for them before but now I realise how scary it is.  

Poor Jon has just left for the dentist; he’s got the second lot of root canal surgery this afternoon so his day is only getting better! We’re going to scour the internet later and see what’s out there. My friend has advised a payment break on the mortgage so I might get my Dad to call them, see if they can help. The mortgage is with the Nationwide and it’s been paid up to date for two years now, so hopefully they will agree. 

I’ll keep you updated, you never know, he may walk straight into a great, well paid job tomorrow. Well, I can dream, can’t I?!

November has gone by so quickly. I won the gold award for my blog, so a big thanks to Moretolife for choosing me and also iva.co.uk for the M&S vouchers. I’m going to spend them on Christmas dinner and some last minute bits and bobs. Hopefully there will be a little left over for the rose hand cream that I love, I haven’t bought it for ages so I hope they still sell it.  

I had some bad news a couple of days ago. Jon thinks his friends’ company, who he works for, is in trouble. They were asked to stop work on a particular apartment block a few weeks ago, something to do with the contract, so they have all been working in the office, laying a floor and painting. When Jon started working for them, he was told that there was at least three years of contracts, but now it looks like that was all with this company who are pulling out, for some unknown reason, which means that they might be made redundant. Jon and the other workers were told not to come in on Friday as there wasn’t any work for them to do; I’m not sure what’s going to happen next week. I’m not going to stress over it just yet, (easier said than done!). Jon has been job hunting just in case. 

I love my job, it’s quiet at the moment, don’t suppose people want to think about their debts at this time of year. I guess I will be speaking to a lot of people in January. I remember it took until February for me to realise I was in trouble. I’ve been spending any spare time I have clearing out my ebay bags. I’ve realised that I’m just never going to get around to listing all these things so I’m taking them to Marie Curie this week. It makes me cringe when I see some of the stuff still with the tags on, I must have been a shopaholic. I’m not like that now at all, I don’t think I’ve bought an item of clothing for months. 

I’m putting a Christmassy movie on this afternoon and going to put the Christmas tree up and wrap my pressies. We’ve started to turn the heating off throughout the day now to save money, so I’ve got a blanket over my knee and a hot water bottle stuffed down my jammies!  

My best pal, Jan is going for her op this week so lots of hugs coming her way. Jan, you’re a star and I love you to bits. Well, I better go and find my Christmas film. Hope everyone is ok and keeping warm. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you can’t beat a steaming mug of hot chocolate to keep you feeling snugly.

This will be the first Christmas without my credit cards, and I had so many of them. I was a bit worried but I’ve bought lots of really cheap, fun presents, rather than what people actually need or want. I bought lots off ebay and also firebox, which I think is really unusual.  

I got my sister in law a 9ft by 9ft crossword puzzle; she loves crosswords so I thought that was a great present. I got my brother a stylophone, not sure what it is, but it’s like a mini organ or something, looks fun anyway. I got my Dad some old pictures of his favourite classic cars, they are from a magazine from the 50s and I’m going to laminate them. I’ve also got him a spider catcher, you know, one of those ones that hoover them up but don’t kill them, I think he’s secretly got a fear of them, but don’t tell him I told you that. I’ve got Jon a body shell for his little electric car and also a remote control spider that scuttles across the floor. Ha ha, my Dad will love that.  Including my nephews, I’ve not spent more than £100 so I’m very pleased about that. Usually I would have bought everything in sight and handed over one of my fabulous credit cards! My friends and I have decided not to swap pressies; we’ll just all go for a Christmas dinner somewhere. 

I’ve just finished paying my Dad back the money that he lent us to live on before our first wages went in. I have started to repay him the mortgage payment each month and that leaves us with pretty much the CCCS guideline figures for everything else! That’s fine by me, it’s just nice to be able to reach in my purse and pay with cash. The most important thing to me was to pay my Dad back each month. The “Bank of Dad” is definitely closed now and I don’t blame it for shutting its doors. In fact, it’s not only shut its doors, it’s got a huge bouncer on the door with a shotgun! 

I love Christmas and this one will be no less special because we haven’t tons of presents to distribute. It’s all about family, friends, love and the atmosphere you create. I go all out, deeley boppers are nothing compared to my outfit on Christmas day, lots of tinsel, baubles and flashing lights! Pure tacky but it makes me feel special.  

Of course I will have lots of new friends to share Christmas with this year, all my forum buddies. I wonder who will post on Christmas day; I know I will so I hope I’m not on my own. My poor best buddy Jan is going to hospital for an op before Christmas, so a special thought for her. I will go and visit her and decorate her with tinsel or something afterwards. She’s a very brave lady and I love her to bits.  

I hope everyone has a great decorating week as I gather from the forum; most people are putting their trees up. I will next weekend as the week after is our wedding anniversary and we have to have a Christmassy atmosphere for that. It’s our second one so it’s cotton. I found an old hanky of mine, unused, and I’ve embroidered Viki and Jon in a heart on it! It sounds soppy, but it’s more comical, as I can’t sew at all. You should see it! Anyway, I’ll leave it there for today as I’m going to snuggle up on the couch with my cat and watch a DVD, I might even delve into my secret chocolate stash! Well, it is Christmas!

Jon and I sulked for about a week. There was still lots of paperwork to sort out and we had to job hunt. We should have started job hunting months ago but I always believed that something would crop up, you know, like a lottery win! At the end of the first week Jon had a phone call from his two best mates. They owned their own company, something to do with snagging lists for new buildings and developments. They asked Jon if he could help them out for a week. He was there for two days and they offered him a full time, permanent job. Well, that was him sorted, that left me at home on my own feeling sorry for myself. I scoured the job centre website and the internet for jobs that I could do. I didn’t want to go back working in someone else’s restaurant, what I really wanted to do now was help other people with their debts. My life had changed so much. The forum was a huge part of it; I read every post and learnt so much from the experts and other forum members. Admin eventually asked me to be an expert and I was made up, I wanted to support everyone as they had supported me and I liked giving advice, even though I got it wrong a few times! It just made me want to learn more. 

I did eventually get a job with a large insolvency firm. I lasted two days before I quit! It involved me driving the length of the country day and night collecting client’s IVA paperwork. That was not at all what I thought it would be, but I suppose I should have figured it out when they gave me a Ford Focus and a satnav on the first day. Unfortunately, I had to give them back! I managed to get another job straight away for a small debt management firm just up the road from me, but again, I didn’t feel it was right for me. Then, out of the blue, on the night that I decided to quit my second job, I received an email from a very good friend telling me of a possible position with a fab company that posted on the forum. I was shaking with excitement. I had to go down to London for the interview but I got the job and then I quit the other one.  

I had to complete two weeks of training down in London which meant staying in a hotel there. I was more worried about how Nia would miss me than if Jon would! She did miss me; apparently she slept on my side of the bed the whole time. Jon said he had never slept better! Hmmm, charming! I enjoyed the course; my new boss and the office manager were lovely. They made me feel at home and you could see that they enjoyed the job; they really wanted to help people. I was really happy and the best bit was, after the training was finished, the job was home based. I contacted people in debt to give advice and try and help them. I was eventually doing my perfect job. And I still am.

NO! She wouldn’t pay the asking price. She offered £50,000. The agent’s assistant recommended I accept as she didn’t think I was going to get a better offer. That’s nice isn’t it? Why did they give me such a good valuation in the first place? I felt I’d been conned a little bit but deep down I knew it wasn’t worth much to someone else. All those years of hard work, my Mom, Jon and I had put in, all the hassle we had to put up with, all the fun and laughter, all the money that my Mom and Dad had invested, that was all cast aside.  

I phoned my IP’s office, not sure why, I just wanted the reassurance that if I was to accept this offer then I could still do an IVA. As soon as I spoke to someone, I burst out crying, blubbering something about “how could anyone only want to pay £50,000, after all these years…..sob, sob!” I did get the reassurance I was looking for so I felt a bit more positive. However, I decided to play hard ball and let the potential buyer sweat. I waited a whole half hour until I phoned back! I said I wouldn’t accept anything under £55,000. The agent spoke to the buyer and told me that the buyer said no, she will only pay £50,000. FINE! I accepted. I sulked for the rest of the day. 

It took months for everything to go through, I was all organised, but the buyer didn’t seem to know what she was doing and we had to sort the lease out. It actually turned out that her friend was coming into business with her so it was a partnership. My landlord really surprised me and decided to release me from the lease and grant a brand new one for the buyers. That was great as if they had gone belly up, I would have been responsible for the payments, and also my Dad as he was guarantor. This was a huge relief and even more so when I found out that she definitely wanted to keep all the staff, I didn’t have to make them redundant. 

I was posting a lot more on the forum and found the support amazing. I swapped email addresses with members and we chatted offline too. I tried to learn as much as I could about debt solutions, I found it fascinating. I would look forward to logging on and sometimes used to stay up really late trying my best to give good advice. It was nice to be able to talk to other people who were in the same situation and understood how scary everything was.  

A date of completion was set for Monday 4^th August. I felt sick most of the time, I was worried sick about my debts, the phone calls weren’t nice and I didn’t want to leave the restaurant. One day I answered the door and it was a debt collector on behalf of Mercers. I froze on the doorstep; all I was aware of was our neighbour in the next garden. The debt collector turned out to be lovely. I told her I was going for an IVA and she said she was a bit mad that Mercers hadn’t told her, as she wouldn’t have wasted her time. She told me that she was extremely busy with her job this year. I bet she was. She toddled off and I just went into shock. There was no way I was answering the door again. As for the phone calls, I answered each one. I told them about the IVA and they held the calls off for ten days. I think I was lucky there as I know the majority of people have several phone calls a day, over and over again. The only real hassle I had was from a guy in the Halifax. He was a horrible man; he said that I obviously wasn’t bothered about my debts and that I didn’t care. I was selling my business of nine years to repay my debts, how is that not caring?! He said “oh you’re not going to put the phone down on me are you”, I said “no, I’m not that childish”, then he started going on and on, not making any sense and threatening me so I put the phone down on him, oops! 

The weekend before the sale I invited all the regular customers down for a last drink. Sunday night was the hardest. Most of our regulars turned up and the night was lovely. They had all brought presents for Jon and I. We got chocolates, flowers and champagne. My very favourite customer, who I still keep in touch with now, a nice elderly lady, bought me a Swarovski crystal cat. I couldn’t believe it, she said I had really helped her through some tough times, one of them being when her sister had died. She said that I hadn’t mothered her but just carried on as usual and had a good old laugh with her about life. Then she cried, and then I cried. Crikey, I looked at Jon and then he cried! One of our other favourite customers had painted a picture of the outside of the restaurant and had framed it for us. I really couldn’t have asked for better customers, they were all so very special. 

The end of the night was funny; the buyer didn’t want any stock so we gave away what we didn’t want to the customers. That was mainly alcohol as we didn’t drink. Everyone was loaded up with spirit bottles and bottles of beer and wine. We all hugged and the customers told us that this place would never be the same without  us and the atmosphere that we had created. There was a lot more sobbing and then we locked up. Jon and I sat there hugging each other, crying. I felt terrible, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to work here forever. I didn’t want to leave all these wonderful people who had become such a big part of our lives. The next day was also bad, we had to hang around waiting for the solicitor to tell us the money had been transferred so that we could go down and give the keys to the buyer. We didn’t get a phone call until 5pm. We went down and I blubbered all the way through that too! I handed the keys over and drove away. I posted a thread on the forum called “the end of an era”. It was all over and I felt very lost. 

My IVA proposal could now be finalised as the business had sold and the money was ready. The next couple of weeks flew by and I received my creditors meeting date of Monday 8^th September. I had lots of support from my forum buddies and from the experts. I felt a little bit nervous but I couldn’t offer anything more, so if it was rejected then I would have to declare bankruptcy. I was obviously a little bit more nervous than I thought as when my IP phoned with the outcome, I pressed the wrong button on my phone and cut her off! She called me back with the news that my IVA had been accepted. I shook like a leaf and hugged my cat! The rest of the day was a blur. I remember it involved some sort of junk food and a ton of chocolate!

I changed all my business suppliers onto cash on delivery terms not monthly accounts and it felt so good to be able to pay for stock with the cash in my hand, what little there was. It wasn’t so good when I didn’t have the money though. I changed the wine list and menu so the expensive items came off and there was less of a choice. I honestly don’t think my customers noticed. I still think to this day, if I had been open and honest and told all my customers that I had financial difficulty, someone would have offered me some money. That would have just been a temporary quick fix of course as the business was making a loss. Anyway, there was no way I could have admitted this to any of them, who would?! 

My personal loan was due out of my Lloyds TSB account so I decided to go to my branch and speak to the bank manager. I held my head up high and marched into his office and said “I’m insolvent”. There was a very long silence and then he said “Ok”. He didn’t seem too concerned and told me not to worry. He said he had heard of my IP and that I was doing the right thing. He then credited the loan amount back to my account so that it didn’t go overdrawn. I had brought a letter in for him to add to my file, one that my IP had sent me, saying that I can’t afford to pay but can you just wait until my business sells, etc. I gave him my card and cheque book back. I came out of there with a smile on my face, I thought it went well; they didn’t put handcuffs on me and lock me in the cellar. The following week I went to see the business banking manager from Lloyds TSB and she was also lovely. She negotiated a three month payment break on my loan. I couldn’t have asked for more from them. 

I went to HSBC and opened a business account; I already had a personal account with them from my staff days. I transferred the essential direct debits to both accounts from Lloyds. I felt pretty pleased with myself, I was one step ahead. My credit record was great as I hadn’t actually missed a payment, I’d always just used one credit card to pay the minimum on another credit card and also took cash advances to pay the money into my account. I posted on the forum about my quick account opening skills and then found out that HSBC close the accounts of anyone on the insolvency register. Balls! The Co-op was mentioned a lot on the forum so I opened an account with them and then I opened a business account with NatWest. There were no problems as I still had a good credit score I guess. 

I stopped paying my creditors. This was the scary bit. I had always juggled the payments and never once missed anything, ever. As the business was making a loss, we didn’t have any income so it did make sense but it didn’t stop me going into a panic. The restaurant was quiet and I just didn’t see the point of being open. I posted this on the forum and my IP could see that I was anxious and phoned me the next day. We had a good old chat and I knew deep down that the restaurant was more attractive being sold as a going concern. Panic over, for now. 

A couple of weeks later I received a phone call from the agent, a lady who was one of my customers was interested in the restaurant and wanted to come and view it that day. My heart was racing, I didn’t recognise the name but then again, I didn’t know all my customer’s names. Some of them were known by what they ate or drank or what they looked like. We had “the Muppets”, they were two guys who looked like the old men who used to sit up in the theatre box on the Muppets, and they moaned like them too. There was “take the pips out of the lemon” guy, don’t need to explain that one. There was “Tabasco lady”; nothing was ever hot enough for her. “Mrs Twig”, she would only sit at the table next to the vase of fake twigs. There were “the winos”, two ladies who used to come in at about 5pm and not leave until we literally had to kick them out at midnight, they would only ever have one small glass of wine each and that would last them seven hours. The list goes on but you get the idea. Anyway, Jon and I convinced ourselves that it was someone awful and that we weren’t going to sell to anyone that we didn’t like. She knocked the door and I couldn’t believe it. She was one of my regular breakfast customers. She came in every Sunday with her hubby and two little girls. Her hubby was best friends with my cousin. What a small world Liverpool is. I opened the door and hugged her. She told us that she was very interested and that she had been looking for a place of her own for years. I knew then that I was going to sell my beautiful restaurant to this lady. I knew she would take care of it and love it. But, would she pay the asking price?

The day of the move was horrendous, not because we were leaving our own home behind, and not because I was worried that my husband might not take too well living with his father in law, but because of our gorgeous cat, Nia. We found her a year ago, she was in our yard and in a terrible mess. She was skinny and she had scabs and cuts all over her. She wouldn’t let us anywhere near her for a good few months. We fed her the whole time and Jon even made a little cat house for her outside. If you’re picturing a lovely, homemade wooden house, think again, it was a cardboard box turned on its side with a black plastic bag stapled to the top and a blanket inside. She loved it though and she grew to love and trust us. She eventually ventured in the house and pretty much never left. The vet examined her and said that she looked like she had been abused and abandoned so she needed extra love, care and attention and that’s what she got. 

On the day of the move, after the removal men had dropped everything off at my Dad’s, Jon went down and put the bed together and then put her favourite blanket under the bed with lots of cushions round it. Nia had spent most of the day outside as she was terrified of the removal men but we enticed her in with ham and then I put cat-nip in the cat cage. Awful, I know, but it was the only way. She went in and we locked it up. My Dad’s house is only ten minutes from our house but it seemed like a hundred miles. Nia meowed constantly and she looked terrified. Bless her, what an ordeal. We let her out in the bedroom and she ran under the bed. She lived in the bedroom for about a month, we put her cat litter and food and water in there and because she never went outside anyway, she was fine. She eventually came out and since then, she pretty much runs the house. She’s in charge and we’re that soft, we go along with it. 

Christmas came and went and it was so quiet in the restaurant, I really started to panic. I guess everyone reviews their income and expenditure after Christmas. We didn’t have the mortgage anymore but I still had to pay my Dad’s mortgage as this was his loan to me. One of the chefs left as he wanted to work days so instead of getting another chef I trained up and became the second chef to save money. I loved it. Those of you who know me know that I’m a terrible cook, but I seemed to be able to cook everything on the menu and people were actually commenting that the food was better than the head chef. Of course I never told the chef that, think Gordon Ramsey but worse!  

It took until February for me to really decide that I needed help with my debts so I googled “debt”. Lots and lots of things came up; I spent several nights reading about all these solutions out there. I thought that an IVA sounded good so I googled that and found iva.co.uk. I posted a question and within minutes it was answered by experts and I was also welcomed by lots of lovely forum members. It was possible that I could propose an IVA and then I would just pay that for five years and then the rest of the debt would be written off. I worked out how much I could afford and then phoned the accountant the next day to get the accounts sent to me, to see what profit I was actually making. 

The accountant said that he would come out to the restaurant with the accounts. When he arrived I was shocked to see that we had made a huge loss. I thought that I had just drawn too much money from the business, but this was based on the figures before I had taken my drawings. Well that was that, I couldn’t do an IVA if I didn’t have any money to offer and I couldn’t keep a business that wasn’t making any money. I was heartbroken, this wasn’t only my business but my Mom had pretty much run everything with me so I didn’t want to lose it. Jon, my Dad and I all sat down and after going through all the facts again, I decided to sell up. I had a horrible feeling, what was I going to do? How would I cope? I worried about Jon too, he gave his job up to help me and he loved the restaurant. 

The accountant reckoned the restaurant was worth about £100k; my debts were a little less than that, not including my Dad of course. I posted on the forum and was advised to get a proper valuation as it seemed pretty high for a business that was making a loss. The forum was right; I had two separate valuations, one of £40k and the other of £89K. I put the restaurant on the market for £89K and then reduced it to £79K. It obviously wasn’t going to cover all my debts and legal fees, so I posted on the forum again and found out about a full and final, lump sum IVA. I could take the money I got from the sale and offer if up as a full and final settlement to my creditors. This seemed perfect. I certainly didn’t want to declare bankruptcy as then I would never be allowed to repay my Dad, also I hopefully would have that money soon so it seemed a shame not to use it to repay as much of the debt as possible.  

I put off the phone call to the Insolvency Practitioner’s office, I was too nervous. I thought that I would be told off for getting in this situation and I was worried that they would ask what items I had bought on my credit card over the last few years. I did find the courage on the day before my birthday and a phone meeting was set for the following day. My 37^th birthday was the turning point of my life in debt. The lady from the IP’s office called and she was lovely, we had a giggle and she made me feel at ease, didn’t judge me and I when I came off the phone I sobbed. I wasn’t sad, I was happy and relieved. I had such a lovely birthday, everything was going to be sorted and I had found that everyone who posted on the forum was there for me, they all wished me a happy birthday and I felt kind of special. They were so kind that I decided to log in every day. I really didn’t have a clue back then, that the forum would change my life so much.

So, Jon gave his job up and came to work in the restaurant. It was great, we had the same hours off and all our friends and family congregated there so it was fun. I got drunk most nights and then ended up being carried home. Without boring you all with the gory details, my friends and Jon got fed up with me. They’d put up with enough without saying anything. I would ruin everyone’s night by getting angry and upset and saying ridiculous things. I fell out with them all at least three times a week. They all gave me an ultimatum: I would end up on my own if I didn’t cut down on the drinking and get some bereavement counselling. I didn’t want to talk to anyone but I did understand that something had to change. That was the moment I decided to never, ever touch alcohol again. That was nearly five years ago and I’ve kept to my word. I now know that I’ll never drink again, not even a drop.  

The restaurant was getting quieter and quieter. One night, I can remember, we only had one couple in. They had the best service ever! There were more and more places opening, some of them chains, we really didn’t stand a chance. I decided we needed a makeover and we needed to extend upstairs. Although what I was thinking there, I’ll never know. Why extend if you couldn’t even fill the seats that you already had?! I just thought a change would bring more new customers in. The value of the house had shot up so I remortgaged using one of my accountant’s friends who was a mortgage broker. It was a self-cert mortgage and my accountant provided all the figures. I used the money to pay off some of my debts and used the rest to fund the architect and planning permission and license costs. I still had some of the loans and credit cards as the money didn’t pay them all off. In the end, the builders’ quotes were coming in too high; not at all the amount the architect had quoted us. I couldn’t afford it but had paid all the fees. I was gutted so decided to do the makeover anyway. I bought new furniture and artwork, had everything redecorated, new sign, new bar. It was amazing, so different. I decided to open all day for lunch, what a mistake that was. 

The block of shops that I was on was pretty derelict now, the butchers had gone bust, the fishmongers had closed down and there were lots of empty shops. There just wasn’t any passing trade. I carried on opening though; I wasn’t going to let it beat me. Months passed and I’d spent a fortune on wages and stock and extra electricity etc. Jon and I worked nearly every shift but we still had to have the chef and the chef’s assistant. I was struggling to pay the bills so was using cash off credit cards to pay wages and to live off. It took my mind off things when Jon proposed.  

My Dad came in for lunch one day, bless him, he was the only one! I broke down and told him I just wasn’t coping financially. He took me up to the office and said that he wanted me to stop paying him back and he would forget about the £50k that I owed him and that he could lend me £40k to repay my debts and pay for the wedding. This was from his savings and he said the business set-up money that I owed him could just be an early inheritance. I sobbed, I didn’t want to say yes, but I was convinced that this was the break I needed and I didn’t want to lose my business, so I accepted. It didn’t cover all of my debts but it reduced my monthly outgoings. 

My Dad also paid nearly £4k on radio advertising and this initially worked but then it went quiet and we couldn’t afford to do it again. I closed in the day, it just wasn’t worth it. Just a few weeks after this, my manager told me that her boyfriend was opening a restaurant and bar over the road and that she was going to leave when it opens and work there. Great! Not only did I have a rival bar right opposite, my manager, who, may I add, was very popular with my customers, was going to be running it. It took months for the work to be completed on their bar, and she carried on working for me. Now that was awkward! I couldn’t tell her to leave as I’m sure there are legal rights and plus she was my friend. But, I knew that as soon as I wasn’t there, she was plugging the new place. My restaurant was a tapas restaurant and we served Sunday breakfast. I asked her what their restaurant was going to be doing and she said she didn’t know. After she left, just before it was due to open, I met her for lunch and she told me that they were going to be serving tapas and Sunday breakfast! What the hell?! 

It turned out not to be as popular as I thought, but we did get quieter. I know I lost some of my customers, or at least we shared some of them so the takings were still down. I wasn’t worried about Sunday breakfast though, we’d have queues out the door and if it rained, people would wait in the launderette next door. Still, nights were rubbish and also a lot of gangs started to congregate in the area. I wasn’t paying the bills and I just kept using credit cards and taking loans out.  

Jon and I got married; it was a fabulous day, really perfect. Instead of a wedding list, we asked that if guests wanted to give a gift, could they contribute towards our honeymoon in Paris. Everyone gave us money and the whole trip was paid for. We had a lovely time and didn’t worry about the debts once as we were paying for everything using cash. What a nice feeling to not have to buy food on credit cards. Eventually I approached my accountant and he told me that I needed to cut down my monthly debt repayments. If only I’d heard of DMPs or IVAs then. He advised speaking to my Dad and asking if he would remortgage his house to lend me the money to repay all my debts. I asked my Dad and he said yes straight away. We met with the accountant’s friend, the mortgage broker and my Dad asked if I could afford the monthly mortgage payment. My accountant reassured him and that was that. It turns out that I couldn’t afford the monthly amount and I couldn’t afford my own mortgage.  

The gangs were really bad now and they lived on top of the restaurant’s flat roof. Jon and I would run out into the alley way every day and tell them to get down. I think they smoked pot up there or something. I was forever phoning the police. They never got there in time. One Sunday I had stayed on my own to clean the fryer and I could hear them at the back door trying to break it down. It took ages for the police to arrive; when they did they had run off. They caught one of them though, but they didn’t have anything to hold him for. That night, we got a phone call from the alarm monitoring, we’d been broken into. Jon and I went down to see and the police were already there. They had taken a small upstairs bathroom window out, in one piece?! That’s what they must have been doing on the roof all this time. They had done some damage and stolen the float and other bits and bobs. I was fed up. They knew were we lived as I’d seen them outside the house. I was terrified they would break into the house to find out if we kept the takings there. We couldn’t afford the mortgage and we didn’t feel safe so we decided to sell our home and move in with my Dad. 

There is a little bit of good news that I forgot to mention. One of the guys that mugged me, the one who held the gun to my head, was eventually arrested for attempted murder of a police office and is now serving a life sentence in prison. Just thought I’d add that in so my blog isn’t all doom and gloom.

The next few months were hazy. My Dad kept a diary every day of what was happening and I wish I had done too so I could read it now. Not that I want to relive the pain that my Mom was in, but I sometimes forget little things which I feel I shouldn’t. Like chats with my Mom and names of nurses that were so kind. I regret this, but then again, I’m full of regrets. I’m sorry that when I was twelve, my friend and I laughed at my Mom because she ate ribs with a knife and fork. I’m sorry that I carried on seeing a right dodgy lad when I was a teenager, even though my Mom told me he was no good. I’m sorry that I used to stay our late and roll in drunk, only to find my Mom up waiting for me. I’m especially sorry that I wasn’t there at the end. I’ll never forgive myself for that, it eats me up every day. 

I pretty much lived in the hospital and then afterwards the hospice. The hospital even set up a camper bed for me and brought me breakfast every morning. I spent less and less time in the restaurant but I had a good manager who knew how to run it so I wasn’t too worried. I took over the paperwork from my Mom but I frequently forgot to balance the books and had no idea how much profit I was making. Of course the wages went up considerably because I wasn’t there every night. 

In October, on one of the nights that I actually had to work, a sexy bloke with his arm all bandaged up walked in. You know in those films, when suddenly the person is in soft focus and everything else is blacked out, and in the background, angels are singing?! Well that’s exactly how it was. We got chatting; after all, I was serving him beer so he had to chat to me. He’d had a bone taken out his hip and put in his wrist as he’d broken it years ago but only found out this year.(?!) What a plonker! Anyway, after weeks of him playing it cool, Jon asked me out on a date. I felt really guilty as I had a really nice feeling in my tummy but how could I be so selfish as to have happy thoughts when my Mom was going through all that. 

Mom wanted me to go on the date, she was excited for me. I did go and we had the best time ever. We just clicked. Looking back now, I don’t know what I would have done without him. It sounds corny, but it really was love at first sight. Mom was so happy for me but said that she wanted to wait until she was better to meet him. I honestly don’t think either my Mom or I thought that the cancer would take her. Mom was so cheery all the time, she kept smiling and never once complained. The nurses and doctors loved her, as did anyone who met her. She was so special, I am very lucky to have had such a wonderful Mom. One morning, I got a call from the accountant to go and sort some VAT stuff out. I left the hospice and when I stepped out of the car outside of the accountants, the phone rang. It was my brother. My Mom had gone. 

I suppose that’s the week I discovered that if I downed enough white wine, my memory would go to mush! I don’t think I’ve ever had such an active social life. All my friends and Jon suddenly wanted to go out when I asked them to. They hardly drank, I got drunk, then I would get upset, then they would take me home. It went on like that for a long time. I was back in the restaurant but there were rival restaurants and bars opening in the next village and I noticed the takings drop. It still didn’t stop me from booking holidays on my credit card or buying new clothes. 

I decided to buy a home of my own and so I bought a little terrace four roads down from the restaurant and Jon and I decided to move in together. I needed to furnish it completely so I used loans and credit cards and store credit for that. Then I decided I wanted the bathroom replacing so took a loan out for that. I ordered new carpets, had the house repainted inside and out, had a window seat built and got a new car on finance. Phew, there’s probably a ton of stuff I’ve missed out there. Jon was on a decent salary which he gave to me towards living costs, but he was working in the day and I was working in the night, so I asked him to come and work in the restaurant. I was struggling running it myself without my Mom and I thought it would be perfect. Jon asked if we could afford to do that and I answered that it wouldn’t be a problem. He had no idea how much in debt I was in or that the restaurant wasn’t making any money, but then again, nor did I.